Entertainment And Funnies - Page 8

T5 Ben

A guy is driving along in his new car down a country lane when it suddenly stops.He gets out and looks under the bonnet but can't see anyting wrong.A loud voice says "Your HT lead is loose mate".The guy looks up but doesn't see anyone.He looks down again scratching his head and the voice again says "its that lead there mate,the red one,push it back on".He looks up and sees no one ,only a big white horse.The man says "did you say that? his voice trembeling.Yes replied the horse.
The guy shoves the lead back on slams down the bonnet and roars off into the local village and pulls up at the local pub.He rushes inside and says Give me a large whisky please.The barman says are you ok you look like youv'e seen a ghost.Its worse than that he replied,i broke down up the road and a big horse told me how to fix the car.
Was it a white horse? asked the barman.Yes the man says.Thats lucky the barman said cos if it was a brown one they know **** all about cars!!!!!!!

TTFN

Ben

Murphy

RUDE - RUDE - RUDE - RUDE - RUDE - RUDE - RUDE - RUDE - RUDE - RUDE - RUDE

>A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.
>She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told
>her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of
>the fire.
>
> "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts,"
>she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
>
>After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman
>filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised
>to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when
>he came home.
>
>He didn't believe her so she said: "Next week I'll leave a gap in the
>curtains so that you can see for yourself."
>
>The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife
>asked: "Do you shave?"
>
> "No," said the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there.
> Do you have hairs?"
>
> "Oh yes," said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.
>
> When the husband got back in she asked:
>
> "Did you see ?"
>
> "Yes," he said. "But why the f**k did you have to show her yours?"
>
> "Why," she said. "You've seen it all before."
>
> "I know," he said, "but the f**king darts team hadn't!"

Hehehe... goodun

BrightonBreezy

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.

The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him,
"What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about
global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, environmental
interconnection, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He
decides
to test the robot.

He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another
drink.
Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him,
"What's your IQ?"

The man responds, "about a 100."

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football,
NASCAR,
baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one

more test. He heads out and returns; the robot serves him and asks,
"What's
your IQ?"

The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."

And the robot says... very slowly, "So... ya gonna vote for Bush again?"

Vikingxl

father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:

"God bless Mummy,

God bless Daddy,

God bless Grandma

and

good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:

"God bless Mummy,

God Bless Daddy

and

good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this child is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:

"God bless Mummy

and

good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never known you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the postman dropped dead on our porch."

Vikingxl

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two Black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at
A difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed
one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the
cow's arse.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey,
This looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that."

Vikingxl

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed "You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired. "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer will-power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. >We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know" said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Homebase either."

Vikingxl

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The
toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at
the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly
08.00.

The next day at 08:45 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to
rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow
and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line
behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2
men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so
backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and
they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the
new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll
of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps
it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package
between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and
approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a
straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave
you yesterday"......"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".

Vikingxl

Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................
"Say, what 's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
Huey," was the reply.
How's your day been, Huey?"
Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What
else could a duck want?" said Huey.
Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
Great, Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all
day myself. What else could a duck want?"
Bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
My name is Puddles."

Vikingxl

Must be getting my sense of humour back

iGGy

Yep, enjoyed those last ones

Goof

Press Release

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team sacked its entire pit crew yesterday.

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK
Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Liverpool.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how
unemployed youths from Liverpool area were able to remove a set of wheels
in less than six seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing
crew can only do it in eight seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech
equipment.

Prime Minister Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by
the Ferrari management, which demonstrated the international recognition of
the UK under New Labour. As most races are won and lost in the pits,
Ferrari now have the advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for. At the crew's
first practice session the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tyres
in under six seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged,
and sold the vehicle to the McLaren Team for eight bottles of Stella,
a kilo of speed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower!

r07s

Quote:

Originally Posted by Goof

Press Release

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team sacked its entire pit crew yesterday.

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK
Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Liverpool.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how
unemployed youths from Liverpool area were able to remove a set of wheels
in less than six seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing
crew can only do it in eight seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech
equipment.

Prime Minister Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by
the Ferrari management, which demonstrated the international recognition of
the UK under New Labour. As most races are won and lost in the pits,
Ferrari now have the advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for. At the crew's
first practice session the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tyres
in under six seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged,
and sold the vehicle to the McLaren Team for eight bottles of Stella,
a kilo of speed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower!

LMFAO

firestorm

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.

The bear says, "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest shivers in
fear."

The lion says, "If I roar in the savanah the entire savanah trembles
in fear."

"Big deal," says the chicken,"I only have to sneeze and the entire planet sh*ts itself!"

T5 Ben

A four year old boy is playing with his Thomas the tank engine set.His mum is ironing in the kitchen,and hears her son say "For all you w**kers getting on or off hurry the f**k up cause the f**king train is leaving".
She rushes into the lounge and tells him off about his language and says"you can go to your bedroom for two hours,you do not use language like that ever again".
After two hours the boy comes down and starts playing with the trains again."Would everyone getting on or off please do so quickly and safely,we thank you for travelling with us today and look forward to seeing you again soon".His mum hears him and thinks he's forgotten about the swearing.He continues "for all of you fed up with the two hour delay go and see the fat f**king bitch in the kitchen"

Ben

neevo

Contrary to popular opinion, duct tape IS NOT good for fixing everything!

-----------------------

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He
walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know
that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an
erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up,
"I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried
I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my
leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".

"Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang
her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face."

lab-monkey

Color Conflict

Watch the image and black dots will magically appear.

Stare at the image and watch as it magically ripples!

Jay

firestorm

very good....lol

Tomcat

Sorry if its been posted before but I just found this.....

WARNING......For all of you of a sensetive nature...Contains Swearing(lots)

Linky

Vikingxl

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring
at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They
stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!" Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over
a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the
pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for
the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of
amazement:
"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he
lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone!
It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who knocks over a chair and a table
in trying to get away from the Son of God.
"What's wrong?"
says Jesus.

The Scouser shouts, "F**k off, I'm on disability benefit!!"